This Is All Your Fault
by Ashray1
Summary: One-Shot. This is a day in the life of a pregnant General, and why you have to be careful what you say to a woman with a seven-foot-sword who's emotions are controlled by hormones. Poor Cloud is running, and the puppy is not very helpful. Cloud x fem/Sephiroth inspired by a picture and a comment


**Title:** **_This is all your fault_  
Pairing:** Cloud x fem/Sephiroth  
**Summary:**This is just a little One-Shot, a Plot bunny that jumped me from behind and wrestled me down and threatened to bite me if I don't write it right now.

This is a day in the life of the pregnant General, and why you have to be careful what you say to a woman with a seven-foot-sword who's emotions are controlled by hormones.

**Warning:**Sephiroth is and always was a girl in this story. That means it is AU. Then there is the threat of violence from General Sephiroth and her interesting ideas for torture for her lover, one First Class SOLDIER Cloud Strife.

The **bold letters **mean she's screaming. (She's doing that a lot, I fear.)  
The puppy is not helpful.  
And Cloud is running.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Inspiration was:

My comment on a picture on DeviantArt: (look at it, it is beautiful! the link is: bunny-boss. deviantart art/ What-if- 307790545)

**My Comment:**  
_Am I the only one more afraid of Girl!Sephiroth then his male versoin? I mean, think about it: PMS, pregnancy! It could be worse than a few bites..._  
_But she looks totally cute!_

**Bunny-Boss:**  
_Pregnancy. PREGNANCY. She goes from "IM FAT" to "THIS IS YOUR FAULT I WILL CASTRATE YOU"... Ah man I have to draw this XD_

Yes, those few lines got that bunny on my heels.

_**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**_  
_**This Is All Your Fault**_  
_**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**_

For once, life was peaceful and calm in the Shin-Ra tower and around the whole compound.  
There were no SOLDIER brawling in their offices, making big holes in the walls with their bodies or swords.  
No Turks trying to shoot each other in the hall, calling it 'training', and that people should calm down since they don't do too much lasting damage anyway.  
Or to get the hell out of their way if they didn't like it!

No Genesis chasing innocent people with his fire Materia just because they refuse to listen to him quoting Loveless.  
Even the monsters seem to lie low in the heavy summer heath, as less people were complaining about attacks...

A lone paper plane flew through the hall, and out of an open window, where a light breeze took it away into the cloudless sky, never to be seen again.

**"Get your sorry ass back here so I can skewer it apart, you damn bastard!" **came a loud, high and very angry sounding voice, easily heard on the whole floor, and possible several floors up and down as well.  
It was a voice that made cadets faint, SOLDIER shudder and Turks reach for their weapons out of reflex.

Even the President himself usually avoided the owner of that voice when angry.

Everyone quickly got out of the way, some hiding in their offices under the table, or in supply closets or even in the air vents if they were agile enough to reach them, shivering and hoping that no one would find them there.  
People around Shinra know better than to get in the way of _that _particularfight.  
It would be nothing short of suicide, and from the long and painful kind, as some had learned the hard way.

And suddenly Cloud bolted down the hall at high speed, not looking left or right, just hoping that no one would get in his way.  
His blond hair whipped in time with his hurried steps, and bright blue eyes scanned frantically for an escape as strong muscles quickly carried him along the familiar halls.  
And just a few steps behind him followed his silver-haired, small-famed, sword-wielding, heavily-pregnant girlfriend.

Her long hair flew behind her, her sharp eyes firmly on her target, and her long sword ready to strike.  
Now if that bastard would just stay still!

**"I said stop, Cloud! I am still your general, so take it as an order and stay still!"  
**"But Sephiroth!" Cloud tried to protest, while fanatically searching for a hiding place.  
**"Don't Sephiroth me, just let me kill you, you heartless beast, and everyone will be happy!"**

Cloud stormed through the first open office door he saw and slammed it shut behind him.  
With a sigh he leaned against the barrier between his person and the enraged woman, just before the tip of a certain Katana went through the wood, just beside Cloud's left ear.  
**"Get out of there, you coward, or I will break that door down before doing the same with your neck!"  
**Cloud only swallowed nervously as he starred with wide eyes at the sword tip beside his head.

"Wow, what did you do now, Cloud?"  
Zack asked with wide eyes as he starred at one of his best friends, the other rampaging in front of his office, furiously pounding and kicking at the door.  
The dark-haired SOLDIER sat at his desk, feet on the table, and made paper planes out of the reports he should read and sign off.

His walls are decorated with all kind of photos, made both when drunken or sober, and not always flattering for the people caught on it.  
There was even one with Cloud on the floor, with Sephiroth's black Chocobo sitting on his back and preening his hair.  
His fingers itched to take it down every time he came into this office, but it always came back again, no matter how often he ripped it to pieces.

That black haired menace with his broad grin always hides away a copy from all his photos, either for blackmail, or so he could make more if one of his friends ripped them from his walls...

More paper planes are scattered all over the office floor, a few pencils seem to stuck in the ceiling above the First Class, and a dartboard with Hojo's face and a few knives in it was on the wall.

**"Zack, hand that shit over, and I promise I will let you live!"  
**Cloud just shook his head, pleading, even through he knew his girlfriend couldn't see it:  
"Sephy, please, I didn't mean it! Whatever I did, I never meant to upset you!"  
**"Whatever I did! **_**Whatever I did?**_** You don't even know what you did just today, and you don't care either! So stick your halfhearted apologies where the sun doesn't shine!" **suddenly the sword vanished from the door, and sniffling was heard.  
_"You don't care about me anymore! I'm getting fatter and fatter every day, and now you don't care about me anymore!"_

Cloud was tempted to open the door as his lover didn't try to cut it down at the moment, but instead began to cry.  
"I _do _care about you! And you are not getting fat, you are pregnant! That's a big difference!"  
**"So it is okay to gain weight if I'm pregnant, but you wouldn't care about me anymore if I put on more weight for any other reason? That's nice to know that my lover is such a shallow prick!"  
**The sword went through the door again, and Cloud ducked down behind the desk, only a few blond spikes peeking up from his hiding place.  
He knew, with all her strength and enchantments, that this punny little wood-door was no match for the silver haired woman and her sharp sword.  
The only reason it was even there still, was because Sephiroth was only venting some hormone inducted anger on it.  
At last for the moment.

"Better the door than me..." he murmured with a shudder.

Zack was still sitting in his chair behind his desk and looked down at the blond man, not knowing if he should laugh or pity him.  
**"I knew it! I knew you only were with me for my body!"** Sephiroth stabbed the door another two times.  
**"And now that I'm not as thin as before you don't want me anymore, and you are just waiting for an excuse to get rid of me and hook up with someone more thin and less pregnant"  
**"I just asked if you want another pancake!"  
_**"You want me to get fatter, so you can leave me sooner! I look like an elephant, and you want me to eat even more? **_**When I throw up every morning and feel like crap you want me to eat anything?  
****Do you want to make me sick? Do you enjoy to seeing me suffer?  
That's all your fault, you treacherous brute!  
I should strangle you with your entails before hanging you out of the highest window!"  
**"No, I was only worried if you ate enough!"  
**"So you think I can't take care of myself now?!" **again she stabbed the door angrily. **"You think I don't know if I'm hungry or not?! That I would endanger my child by not eating? Do you really think I'm so irresponsible?"**

"Pancake?" Zack whispered silently. "She's trying to kill you over a pancake?"  
Cloud just shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't meant to be mean when he asked her if she wanted another pancake.  
It was the last one, and he tried to be a gentleman.  
And she loves pancakes!

"No, I don't think you are stupid or irresponsible! I just tried to be nice to you!"  
**_"Nice? Y_ou think fattening me up is _nice_? So you didn't like my figure before? Is that why you try to fatten me up? You think I was too thin? Then why were you with me for so long if you don't like how I look?"**

With a tired sigh Cloud hide his face in his hands and shook his head.  
At his silence, Sephiroth began to cry again.  
_"So I was right! You want to leave me, and you are just waiting for an excuse-"  
_"I'm with you for so long because I care for you and I love you, Sephiroth!  
And I don't care if you are fat or not!" Cloud called, hoping she would stop crying. Cloud absolutely hated it when she cried, those beautiful green eyes misted over with tears, running down flushed cheeks...

The good thing is, it worked.  
She stopped crying.  
The bad thing about it was, that she was angry again, and stabbed the door furiously.  
**"Come out of there, you sick bastard!** **Did you just call me fat?!  
I want to see how you look eight months pregnant. I can stuff you with a few punching bags, lets see how **_**you**_**look!**

And you don't even deny that you don't care to look at me anymore, you're just trying to dump me as soon as you can!  
Get out of this office so I can rip your balls off and nail them to the wall above my desk, you cruel ass!"

In the office, Cloud hit his head against Zack's table. It seemed like it didn't matter what he said, or if he said anything at all...  
Maybe it would be safer to sleep somewhere else tonight until the stressed woman calmed down again...  
He knew exactly that she didn't mean what she said, and that she wouldn't carry out her treats, even though she's certainly strong enough.

**"I should let you run laps around the training field until you cough up a lung!"**

Now that he could see her doing: And he was sure she would sit on the sideline, sharpening her sword, to make sure he didn't slow down or sneak away.

"Zack, can I sleep on your couch tonight?" another unholy howl came through the door before the dark-haired SOLDIER could do so much as nod at his friend.  
Instead he shuddered and hoped his pregnant General will just ignore that he hide her lover after she broke down his door.  
Again.

Otherwise the future looked rather painful for him.

"For how long have you planned to leave me? Are you so disgusted with my looks that you can't even stand to be in the same room as me?  
Is that why you want to move out all of a sudden? Or did you plan it all along.  
Knock me up, and then leave me when I look all fat and different?"

"No! No, of course I want to be in the same room as you! I'm not moving out!  
I like to look at you and I like to touch you! And of course I always want to sleep in the same bed as you! I'm not disgusted with you, I never was!"

"I'm not sure you are very welcome in her bed at the moment." Zack smirked down at his still cowering friend, kicking him lightly to get a reaction out of him.  
As thanks, Cloud hit in the shin, hard enough to leave a bruise.

The last thing he needed at the moment was his best friend making fun of him while he tried get out of this with all his bits attached..  
"I hope Aerith gets pregnant with twins." he murmured, but Zack's answer was drowned by a loud shriek from the other side of the perforated door.

**"_In the same bed? You want to sleep in the same bed, after what you did to me?  
_Thanks to you I can't even see my toes anymore, and my ankles are swollen, and my back hurts like hell!  
But you don't care about that, do you?  
No, you are an insensitive idiot who only thinks with the head in his pants!**

And you really expect to wake up in the morning?  
If you think you will come anywhere near me with that thing attached to you, you can think again, my friend!  
I will castrate you with a plastic spoon before I let you so much as touch me again!  
For the next few years you can be happy if I let you sleep on the floor in the kitchen, you heartless bastard!"

Zack laughed and clapped him on the shoulder after hearing her rant:  
"I always thought that you are a brave man, Cloud. Very brave.  
Or very stupid, I'm not sure if there's a difference..." he scratched the back of his head in thought.  
"This is why I never tried to hook up with her: For all her... assets... and all, I value my life too much to brave _that_ dragon."  
"Triplets." Cloud murmured, "I wish Aerith triplets." Zack snorted a laugh and patted Clouds hair.

**"Are you _laughing _at me?! You prick think its funny that I feel like crap and look like a wale?!"  
"No!"** Cloud screamed desperately, hitting his best friend several times over the head for getting him into even more trouble with his enraged girlfriend.  
The long sword stabbed the door again, and for a moment the blond wondered how much longer it would withstand those attacks...  
"Zack is the only one laughing here, I swear! And you know he's not all there in the head!"

"Hey! I resent that!" the hyper puppy protested with a pout.  
"Resent it all you want, Zack, it doesn't make it any less true!"

**"I don't believe you! You want to break up with me, now, with a child, and you think its funny! And don't bother lying to me, I saw how you looked at that Turk, just yesterday in the hall! I'm pregnant, not blind!"**

"Of course I looked after her, everyone does. You always have to watch out for the Turks, or they will shoot you from behind, just because they are bored and you're there to entertain them! _You said so yourself! _Never turn your back at a Turk!_"_

**"You think I buy that? You were just looking after her because you don't trust a Turk to just walk down the hall without shooting anyone?  
Do you think I'm stupid? That I'm just General because of my looks?"**

"You don't understand..."  
**"I understand perfectly well, thank you very much! You should be glad that I don't put you before a firing squad for insubordination!  
And now move you ass out of there, before I have to get in to get it!  
I will kick you sorry ass until it spills out of your ears!  
I will force you to eat in the cadet cafeteria at every meal for a whole month, and let you clean out the labs with a toothbrush for a year.  
And at every holiday you will hang on the flagpole in your underwear!"**

Cloud looked up at his best friend, who was watching his door with a worried frown.  
Everyone knows that cadet food is nearly poisonous and shouldn't be ingested over a longer period of time.

And the labs are big and disgusting, even without Hojo and his weird experiments around.

**"I should make you go to the next party the president holds in a short dress with high heels, as the president likes to stare and leer at everything in a skirt, grouping and pawing everything that stands still long enough!  
You should be made to listen to his speeches every day until your brain turns to jelly and bleeds out of your head!"**

"Zack?"  
"Hm?"  
"Do you have a white flag?" Cloud asked, and Zack smirked down at the man still sitting on his floor, half hidden under the table, a resigned look in his glowing blue eyes.

A man who had Nibelwolfes as pets as a child.  
And who runs around in the snow with short sleeves,even long before he was a cadet here.  
Who was brave enough to ask cute little Sephiroth for a date, even through she just beat him black and blue in a sparring match and had her sword on his throat.

"What? Do you want to give up?" Zack asked teasingly with an annoying smirk, and Cloud rolled his eyes at so much good mood while his girlfriend threatened him with disembowelment...  
"Do you have a better idea? Then I'd like to hear it now."

A chunk of wood broke finally out of the door, and Cloud could hear his girlfriend promise him a painful future, her green cat eyes glittering through the slowly growing hole in the wood...  
He shuddered at the though that she would really force him to accompany Genesis to that Loveless- Marathon and suffer through a whole night nonstop of poems and Genesis' rants about that goddess...

And being looked into the Chocobo stables in the mating season didn't sound very good to him either.

**"Or I can sign you up when the cadets are practicing with guns! **_**AS TARGET!**_**"**

He urgently gestured for Zack to hurry up and find him something, anything he could use as flag.  
Of course, for all the junk Zack had lying around his office, he had not a single piece of white cloth.  
Not even a damn paper napkin.  
Instead he had a mischievous glitter in his eyes.  
With a quick yank he grabbed his best friend and dragged him out from under his desk.

Cloud made a growl in protest as the taller male put him on his feet and suddenly pulled at the waist of his pants to peer inside.  
_"Hey! _What do you think you are doing!?"  
"You are not wearing underwear."  
"I could have told you that! And what does that have to do with you finding a white flag to prevent our beloved general from brutally murdering me?  
Does Aerith even know that you swing both ways?"

Zack carelessly shrugged his shoulders with a smirk: "You know my girlfriend, Cloud. Bet she would just ask to watch. Ow."  
He rubbed his head where Cloud hit him. "That hurts."  
"Otherwise you wouldn't notice it! Now's not the time for your pervert jokes!"

The dark haired SOLDIER just signaled his friend to wait a moment.  
He had a plan.  
Now that's not a very calming through, as Zack's plans often result in chaos and/or humiliation for the people around him.

You just have to take a look at the picture gallery on the walls here to know that.  
Not that Zack minded too much, its all fun, after all.  
And whats a little humiliation as long as it was fun.

Zack was never the most modest man, and years in the army with little privacy didn't help with that either.  
With a shrug he dropped his pants and handed his underwear over to his blond friend.  
As a SOLDIER it was his job to save lives whenever he could, even if it was just by giving his underwear up.  
After all, it would be a shame if he lost his best friend over a pancake, just because he was unwilling to sacrifice his underwear.

Cloud took the thing between two fingers and starred at it, while Zack just grinned at his friend.  
"Just ignore the puppies. It's white in between them, see?!"  
The blonde hummed. Somehow he couldn't see that plan working.

Then again, he didn't think Zack could get away with dying Reno's hair green and Rufus' pink, either, and somehow the other SOLDIER not only got away with it without getting caught, he also got pictures from it.  
(Along with everyone else in Shin Ra, as he sent them out with anonymous Mails and then simply claimed that he got them that way as well.)  
Sure, Reno was pissed, and Rufus promised him to feed the culprit to Dark Nation, but luckily they never even found out who was behind that cruel and sneaky assault.

Finally, before Cloud could find a better flag, the door gave in and broke down under the attack of the angry, hormonal woman.  
Sephiroth stopped death in her tracks as she saw Cloud standing there, and her green cat-eyes widened at the item in his hand, and Zack standing behind Cloud with his pants still down around his ankles.

_"I knew it!" _she accused, hiding her tears in her hands as she slowly sank to the ground:  
"I knew it! I'm all fat and pregnant with your child, and you go and have an affair with your best friend! First you check out the Turks, and now your gay!"  
The loud sobs of the woman he loved drowned out the sputtering noises his best friend made behind him.

Zack clearly didn't know if he should laugh at Cloud's dumbstruck face, or if he should feel insulted that Sephy thought he would have an affair with his best buddy.  
It was just a joke, to tease the blonde, he never meant it!  
That he should at last pull his pants up again never crossed his mind.

"I don't have an affair with Zack." Cloud said, blinking stupidly. Why the hell would she even think that?  
Sephiroth's head shoot up at his voice, and she glared at her lover. Angrily she stomped over and grabbed the white fabric with the little puppies playing on it out of his limp hand.

She waved it in front of blue eyes as she glared up at her lover with angry cat eyes.  
"And what's this? I catch Zack with his pants down, you still have his underwear in your hand, and you want to tell me it's not what it looks like?"

At the mention of his pants, Zack finally got the hint and quickly fastened them up again.  
No need to give away a free show, after all.

"Nice ass, Zack. Can you turn around for me and wiggle it a bit?"  
"Careful, Genesis, that's my student you are talking about."  
"Yes, and I have a girlfriend! So go and flirt with Angeal or something!"

The redhead just pouted as Angeal shook his head before looking down at the crying Sephiroth.

"Come on, girl, no need to cry. I don't think Cloud has an affair with the puppy."  
"And how do you explain the underwear?" she cried into Genesis chest as she kicked the offending garment.

Zack decided that moment to be helpful:  
"It's a white flag!" he explained with a smile. He grabbed it out of her hand and waved it around a bit to prove his point.  
Everyone in the room starred at the playing puppies on it, then at Zack like he had lost his mind. It clearly was his idea...

"Look at it, it's white!" he pointed at the places between the little dogs and their balls and bones. "Here, and here, and here, all white! Just ignore the puppies! It's a good flag!"

Angeal patted the spiky head of the pouting SOLDIER and nodded.  
Cloud knelt down beside his girlfriend, and she turned teary eyes to him:  
"So you don't plan to leave me? And you don't have a passionate affair with Zack in his office when I'm not looking?"

"Of course not! Why would I do that? I really just needed a white flag to make peace, and you know Zack and his ideas! I love you, and only you, Sephy. You know that."  
The pregnant woman smiled brilliantly up at her lover before hugging him tightly.  
"I'm sorry, Cloud, can you forgive me for chasing you with a sword.  
I swear I didn't mean it when I said I that I want to remove bits of you!  
I love you just the way you are, you know."

Cloud stroked lightly through the soft, long hair with a smile as she calmed down in his arms.  
"I know that, lovely. It takes more than you chasing me with a 7-foot-sword to get rid of me!"

All of a sudden, a loud sob interrupted them, as Zack clutched at his chest, and hide his eyes with the other arm.  
"So you don't love me? You where just playing with my heart all along? And I through that you love me!"

"Zack!"

"All those time we meet under the stars, all those passionate things we did on this very table."

_"Zack!"_

"All the times I you held me in your strong arms and whispered sweet things in my ear...  
And now I have to watch as you renounce me, as you tell another that you love her..."

_**"Zack!"**_

Purple eyes blinked startled as Angeal, Genesis, Cloud and Sephiroth shouted at him at the same time.  
"What?" he asked innocently and laid his head to the side.

"Stop hitting on my lover or I will skewer _you _apart!" with that Sephiroth dragged her Cloud from the floor as if she didn't try to kill him just moments ago.  
Zack pouted as no one appreciated his great talent for dramatics!

"Fine, leave me all alone in my lonely office, me and my paper planes!"  
"And stop playing with your reports, or I will give you twice as much from tomorrow on!"  
_"You can't do that! Sephy!" _the horrified scream followed them to the door, and the pregnant General glared back at her Second-in-Command:

"Zackary Fair, I may be pregnant, but I am still your General. And as your superior I can assign you paperwork until you drown in it if I feel like it!"  
On that note she kicked the remains of the door aside and stomped out.  
"And repair that door, it's a disgrace for a First Class and my SiC!"

Zack just stuck his tongue out at her turned back and sent a plane after her.  
Twice as many reports mean twice as many paper planes.

_**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**__**.~.~.**__**~.~.**_  
The End  
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~_**.~.~.**__**.~.~.**_

I cut the end here because the idea I had before simply doesn't fit anymore. It was about one of the doctors from the since lab walking by accidentally, and Genesis sends Sephy after him. Just for fun, and to see the lab burn.

That's the reason he and Angeal show up at all, at first... But then Zack had his idea with the flag, and Sephiroth calmed down without burning the lab down...

Don't know, maybe I will make it into another chapter, together with Hojo's death.

Sephy killed him shortly after she learned that she's pregnant, because he was stupid enough to say something about an experiment where she could hear it.  
She lost it after that, and blamed hormones for the death of the good doctor.  
Not that anyone misses him.

After that they were afraid to experiment on anything other than vegetables...  
But that also didn't fit in with this chapter, or it would have been weird.

I was told that my last story (Sirius Black and the 5th book) is going in circles, because I had too many ideas that I wanted to use, and even if that 'going in circles' was partly on purpose, not all of it was...

So I cut it down a bit this time, so I don't make the same mistake twice.

Tell me if its even worth thinking about making it into another chapter, or if I should leave it at that


End file.
